Limericks - The Completed Version

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December 2013

Post by Yogi »

There once was a virus named bug
who thought it was clever and good.
It multiplied fast
but got nowhere fast,
And drank its ale from a large jug.

My computer went on the blink.
I tossed it in the kitchen sink.
It sank with a plop,
I called Iggy Pop,
Oh heavens, I needed a drink!

The night was young and the moon was blue
It cast the sky with an eerie hue.
The cat became nervous
but did us a service
and dropped her litter next to the loo.

A man stood on the burning deck,
"My foot is hot" he said by heck.
He leapt up and down,
looking like a clown
Then staggered off like bumbling Shrek.

My cute pekingese dog has fleas
and mites in its ears, if you please.
She seems quite buggy
On meds she's a druggie
and walks 'round like a dog on skis.

An apple fell down from the sky,
and landed atop grandma's pie
'Twas just Newton's Law,
an not an old saw
But gran lost her teeth, so they say!

I once met a pilot from Rome
with no cranial hair which to comb.
He flew on a dare
which sort of raised hair.
He's no longer polished like chrome.

A woman was blessed with no teeth,
She hung them at night on a wreath. (I rolled at that line!)
No cleaning or bleach,
So happy she'd screech,
Complete with the gums underneath.

There once was a painter in Nome
whose landscapes were white, done from home.
He loved using oils
The snow scenes blanked spoils.
There's no good way to end this poem.

In orchards, the apples abound,
which you might think is very sound.
Some lie forgotten,
and become rotten
But make a great cider, I've found!

A cheerful old bear at the zoo
was bursting to go to the loo.
He'd have to run fast.
and hope he could last.
to not cover the zoo with poo,

The washing went up on the line,
it's now time for a glass of wine.
Keep an eye on the rain,
as it goes down the drain.
Well everything's working out fine (hic!).

There was a young lady of station
who revelled in appellation.
While stood on a box
to show off her frocks,
Her bum's an abomination.

For Christmas I had lots of pud,
with lots left over for my bud.
He said it was nice,
but better with rice
The strange combination was good!

Ring out the old, ring in the new
The best that a person can do,
Sing a New Years song
and you can't go wrong
amid the monkeys at the zoo.

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January 2014

Post by Yogi »

There once was a woman called Peg,
Who drank her ale from a big keg.
She wobbled thereafter,
which made for much laughter
but drank to the very last dreg.

There was an old man in a tree
who was stung by a bumble bee.
The welt was so big
he needed a cig.
and proclaimed this is the bee's knees.

An uncle who lived down in Kent
could not pay his landlord the rent.
"Instead I'll peel spuds",
"and give them top buds"
His offer rejected, he went.

I knew a nut named Almond Joy
who courted Hazel Bush - oh boy!
They could mix and match
but with shells couldn't scratch,
and forged them into a decoy.

I once slipped on several peas,
After which I began to sneeze.
I'm allergic to greens,
shun them, by all means
I skidded five yards, with a wheeze.

My son went to school dressed in kilts
Admired, though he suffered from guilts.
While his legs were bare
The wind curled his hair,
and could not find his pair of stilts.

The bagpipes were way out of tune,
and had to be ready by noon.
They played in B flat,
which awoke my cat ...
But wolves howled beneath the pale moon.

I walked down the road to Bristol
The frost hit my eyes like crystal.
In spite of the cold
I forged on quite bold,
holding on tight to my pistol.

A clown lost his nose in the ring
when the elephant tried to sing
He vacuumed it up,
Put it in a cup,
Clown drank it, the silly old thing!

There is a hole in my old sock
where a bunion received a knock.
I tried to mend it
and recommend it.
That will teach me to wear a frock.

A lady fell into a hole,
and came face to face with a mole.
He thought her a worm,
while holding her firm
She lost all her hair with the shock!

A lady fell into a hole,
and came face to face with a mole.
He thought her a worm,
while holding her firm
'Twas only her earrings he stole!

The stock market is down today
and Wall Street is starting to pray.
The bulls and the bears
were juggling shares,
and made the street's gnomes very gay.

They've found bones of Alfred the Great,
and put them swiftly in a large crate
The fragments are scanned,
focused on his hand
Alas it turns out it's his pate.

I wonder where my old horse went
He used to be money well spent.
We took him to shows
Pinned rosettes to his nose,
but his back was very much bent

A rainbow appeared in the north,
Of all I have seen it's the fourth
It's normally west
This one is the best
But it's permanent over Borth (Wales).

I once spied a bug in my rug
and into the pile it'd dug.
It would have been cute
if I'd not been astute
and give the tiny bug a hug.

A man swallowed swords for a job,
and one day had reason to sob
The practice went wrong,
when cows came along
Their knocks caused his bottom to throb.

There was a young lady named Meg
So poor that for food she did beg.
She started at noon
and stood with her spoon,
asking for both chicken and egg.

A lady had hairs up her nose,
'Twas pretty ugly I suppose,
She tweezered them out,
Looked better, no doubt
and now she's all ready to pose.

The ice on the roof is melting
exposing the tiles and felting.
The temps are so warm
the bees are a-swarm,
and the dogs are out back yelping.

A wasp flew in through the window,
while we were doing the limbo
We swatted and cried
There's nowhere to hide
It soon went into the bin though!

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February 2014

Post by Yogi »

There was a belle who could tinker
Practical, clever, a thinker.
Her hands had magic
but life was tragic,
as her essence was a stinker.

I toasted marshmallows for tea,
and wondered how they go with brie.
I melted the cheese
and mixed it with peas
It looked like a rainbow to me.

There was an old woman from Hamm
who delighted in sending out spam.
She served it with tea
Encrypted with ghee,
and said "what a good girl I am"

A man found a skunk in his bed,
He hoped and prayed it was not dead.
But hats sprang to mind
with fur on his mind
He sewed up a hairpiece instead!

I posted a letter today
Forgetting a stamp on the way.
No hope for it now
It's gone, anyhow,
a goose dropped it into the bay.

A man got a pea up his nose
and tried to fetch it with a hose.
He washed the pea out
of his bulbous snout
but shoots grew again I suppose!

A conceited young boy called Bob,
was very adept at his job.
While feeding his pigs
midst arrogant digs,
And dining on corn off the cob.

There once was a girl with four feet.
Dancing with her was quite a treat.
She firmly held ground
As she spun me 'round
and then bid a hasty retreat!

There once was a creature from Mars
who frequently smoked green cigars.
Smoke poured from his ears
He rose, it appears,
to the occasion in the stars.

A man had a bionic toe,
Over which you could hear him crow
No effort to stand,
No effort so grand.
The battery wore out, ho ho ho!

There was a young sailor named Mike
who climbed up the mast for a hike.
He then sat on top
and it rained non-stop,
and hoped it would not break the dyke.

A man found a hole in his wellie,
He laughed so hard it shook his belly
He bunged it with lard,
and found it not hard
so feet ended up being smelly.

I met a bald native of Nome
whose hair never ventured to roam.
He looked at his pate
Bereft in its state,
and looking like chrome on his dome.

A boy took a boat to Japan
to see where their Yen all began.
Lots to the dollar,
it took no scholar
He ended a wealthy young man.

I know a young lady named Lou
So toothless, unable to chew.
Her diet was soup
she drank in one swoop,
and now can be seen at the zoo.

There once was a scholar called Burt,
who married a dimwit named Gert.
She spelt not a word,
which was quite absurd
The brain cells switched on with a spurt.

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
decided to do something rude.
She hemmed and she hawed
and shouted "Oh lord!"
and was seen in a crowd being lewd.

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March 2014

Post by Yogi »

A man he got stuck in a lift.
He quickly became quite miffed.
He yelled and he banged,
and said, "I'll be danged!"
"I'll die if the thing doesn't shift!"

There once was a bull named El Cid
who thought he would mate, but ne'er did.
His mom would urge him,
and sometimes scourge him,
each time he ran away and hid.

A friendly young chap from Iran,
sat quiet eating a pecan
With nuts strewn around,
Not making a sound
They looked more than when he began.

I shopped in a store that was old
and tried to buy goods with some gold.
The owner would moan
and call it a loan
when he gave me old gold to hold.

The Mayor was invited for tea,
He arrived with his wife about three.
They refused the scones,
amid a few moans,
but gave us a photo for free!

I fell asleep under the sky
and dreampt of the clouds floating by.
The moon was shining
and wind was whining,
and a night owl pooped in my eye.

A woman had pickles for tea,
which were plainly green as can be
She coughed, one shot out,
landing in her stout
Her face was as red as can be.

There was an old man in Erie
who pondered on Einstein's theory.
He got a head ache
when apples he'd bake,
It's all relative my dearie.

The people on nbf site,
Seldom get into a big fight
Intelligent, fun,
never overdone
The balance and recipe's right.

I know a man who ate a bug
It jumped around as in it dug.
That made him tickle
His tongue did prickle,
I wanted to give him a hug.

As I was walking past a pit,
a gust of wind pushed me in it.
I climbed up the side,
Not hurting my pride
Then slipped on a pile of wet grit.

I shook and shivered in the tub
as in the cold I tried to scrub.
My feet did a dance
Then I saw my chance,
and sang the song rub a dub dub.

I tried my hand at sewing socks,
It was so fun, it really rocks!
My fingers got pricked,
And then they were licked
In future it's thimbles as blocks!

There once was a bovine in love
who during her courtship would shove
then grovel all day.
The heifer would play
utterly hard to take hold of.

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April 2014

Post by Yogi »

I stared through the gloom and the mist,
in search of the sweetheart I kissed.
Alas! By mistake,
I stepped on a snake
and got a sharp bite on the wrist.

A silly young man from Clyde
decided to tattoo his hide.
He found an artist
who had a limp wrist,
and wanted to make her his bride.

A man found a spot on his toe,
Its odd color brought him great woe.
Verruca or corn,
his burden was borne
'Til it popped, and then it did go.

The jungle is a scary place
Ants on your toes, snakes in your face,
Some restless natives,
paint up their faces
Running from lions on the chase.

Dave bashed his thumb on a chisel.
The pain made his temper sizzle.
He ran out and cried,
thinking he has died
Then he got caught in a drizzle.

The crown on her head was golden
Studded with jewels which were olden.
It fell off one day
and cracked where it lay.
She was no longer beholden.

A crab turned a vile shade of blue.
Why it happened, we have no clue.
His claws they stayed pink,
We all gave a wink
His gloves were a pinkish shade too!

I love to eat peaches and cream
'though far from a dieter's dream.
They go well with toast
and a delight to most
An is really good for your spleen.

I smoked 'til my lungs coughed up blood,
esophagus and other crud.
I swore I would stop,
Before I would drop
Too late, but the habit's not good.

We all know about old Sally
She's known for being a scally,
Her clothes were a mess
she ne'er owned a dress,
And always exposed her belly.

A man pulled a car with his teeth.
We thought of giving him a wreath.
Out shot his gnashers,
Turn on the flashers!
He pushed with his hands underneath.

There was a sly fox in the woods
who saw a red hen as fair goods.
He jumped from his perch
A bag for to search,
to transport his newly caught food.

A worm she got stuck on a stone.
Along came a bird and he moaned
"Come off, you old thing!"
"Rest under my wing."
"Not likely! I'm glad I'm a crone!"

There once was a man from Greece
who owned a few ducks and some geese.
They quacked and they honked
until they all conked,
And then he cooked them for the grease.

A soldier he stood in the ranks,
With two Poofers stood on his flanks
He said: "Excuse ME,"
You're looking ugly
So they flounced, and hoped he fired blanks.

A lady who sat on the banks
Fished out eels but no one said thanks.
With her fish net full
she had a last pull,
and then yelled, "I'm quite good at yanks!"

A cow it once chewed on the cud,
while standing knee deep in the mud.
She swelled up in size,
It was no surprise
then rolled herself out of the flood.

I want to teach the world to sing
Much cheer and mirth I'd hope to bring.
Honey bees would hum
No one else would come,
where peace and harmony clearly ring.

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May 2014

Post by Yogi »

There was an old woman from Fife,
who seems to have led a charmed life.
She hoarded her money,
like a bee's honey
So now has no reason for strife.

There once was a mule named Nelly
Stubborn, and had a fat belly.
She never ate hay
In clover she lay,
Dreaming of burnt toast and jelly.

A man caught a pike with a worm,
because it did wiggle and squirm
Said he: "I'm so proud,"
to an amazed crowd
His catch was displayed, to confirm.

I once saw a drunk in a funk
He flapped and he danced but he stunk.
They took him away
with naught but a sway.
He was way more drunk than I thunk.

A pleasant young man called Eric
lived his life being barbaric.
No friends had the man,
Nor had he a plan
So turned he into a cleric.

I taught my young dog how to dance
Jumped backwards, then had to advance.
She looked so darn cute
So bright and astute,
You could tell she's smart at a glance.

There once were two peas in a pod.
My pet cat thought it to be odd.
One screamed: "I'm to boil!"
Another read Hoyle
But kitty are both, oh dear god!

In days of old there was a pub
which served fine ales and hearty grub.
Their Cornish Pasty
was fat and crusty,
and their ale brewed in a rusty tub.

In days of old when mead was made,
The king made sure the tax was paid.
A hefty farthing
Barring all farting
The king made a mint, I'm afraid.

I once met a young man named Sue
whose wig was secured with strong glue.
His lashes were fake
His boobs were a-shake,
And will use his purse to smack you.

A friar was jolly and round
No holier man could be found.
He sang to the Lord,
From atop a fiord
and wished he was back on firm ground.

My pet cat swallowed a spider
It wriggled away inside her.
She ate some cat nip
The arachnid lost grip
Just like a White Castle slider

A woman whose house caught on fire,
had insurance about to expire.
No claim could be made
until she has paid
No assets and now no attire.

When day is done and night begun
The birds come out to have some fun.
You can hear the hoots
and bats in cahoots,
while dodging the shots from a gun.

A wizard of old came to town,
The folks were jumping up and down.
He pointed his wand
to the first cute blonde
and watched as her k..nee socks fell down.

I found a dish of stinky cheese.
The odour brought me to my knees.
Its mold was bright green,
The cheese had a sheen,
I'll have a second serving, please.

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June 2014

Post by Yogi »

My hair stood up, I had a fright,
It happened just the other night.
Unable to talk,
and could hardly walk
My legs were numb, my socks too tight.

The room was dark, there was no light
I almost thought I'd lost my sight.
My knees were knocking
The head was rocking,
Stumbling forward in total fright.

A man had hairs upon his toe.
It was so funny, don't you know.
In purple and brown,
wearing a night gown
He liked to watch when hairs did grow.

I danced til dawn in shoes that hurt
but swapped the garb for boots and shirt.
My feet were happy
The look was crappy,
But was embraced by a pervert.

I stirred up some rice in a pan
It turned brown after being wan.
It stuck to the lid,
like a hanging squid
and resembled a pasta flan.

I took the road less traveled by
to get my daily cakes supply.
Famished and grumpy -
The path was bumpy
I wish I had a plane to fly.

There was a young man from Surrey,
who always was in a hurry
He darted to work,
looking quite berserk
and ran after eating curry!

There once was a goat on a hill
who managed to balance quite still.
I thought it was odd
after heights he'd trod
He did not once meet Jack or Jill.

George resembled an elephant,
We thought of him as decadent
He loved to tread grapes,
to put on his crepes
His trunk is now irrelevant.

The moon came over the mountain
Its pale icy glare looked frozen.
The dogs were howling
savagely prowling
Playing music by Pete Fountain.

A bee flew right up my nostril
in search of a welcome hostel.
I panicked out loud,
attracting a crowd
so I read them a page from the gospels.

There was an old man who ate squid
Though everyone warned if he did
He'd thus grow eight arms,
with as many charms
Good value for all for a quid.

Did you hear what they're doing in Paris?
It's a party for the star Polaris
Hope that no one there was mooning,
It's much more fun to be spooning
but don't fall over the Cliff- like Clarice.

I told a joke that was corny
The looks I got were quite thorny.
My mom didn't laugh
but missed the best half -
guffaws from mister Podgorny.

Don't think you can hide. I can see you.
Transparency means you are see-through.
There is no shadow without light
You cannot hide from what is right
The Shadow knows, and also do you.

A man found a plank in his well.
He shouted out loud. "What the hell...?"
It's blocking the hole,
Used by a small mole
and then with a shriek, in he fell!

It's raining outside very heavily.
The ground is all soggy and gravelly.
My Wellies are wet
and drenched is my pet,
as we make our way home very wearily.

I once met a sailor from Swansea
The silly old fool wore a onesie.
He danced a quick jig
quite close to the rig,
while taking care of an urgency.

There was a young boxer called Fred
who had a Poodle friend called Ned.
They'd bark and they'd yap,
You'd swear it was rap,
They tried some arias instead.

There once was a lady called Tess
whose dress sense was worse than a mess.
She wore an A-line
which fit her just fine,
But would have looked better with less.

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July 2014

Post by Yogi »

There was a posh gent who was mad
at seeing his son be so rad.
He said "I don't mind
but I think you'll find
being a hippie isn't bad.

A man played a toot on a flute.
He thought it would be a hoot
But now he's on drums,
While eating red plumbs
And the juice runs down on his boots.

A Martian descended to earth,
not far from the city called Perth.
He loved all the sun,
and had lots of fun
and turned a bright red, to his mirth!

I eat my pizza with green cheese
The mould on it just seems to please.
For an extra strong taste
I eat mildew paste.
The cuisine is not Cantonese.

A bear had a head that was sore
after a fight with a big boar.
He said: I give up
and whined like a pup
and didn't fight boars any more.

I saw a mermaid eat a snail
It filled her, she felt like a whale.
So, on to the squid
The clams went and hid
But she found them under her tail.

A farmer fell over a stile
after walking nearly a mile
He fell in some grit,
and felt like a twit
but sheepishly forced a big smile.

She went to market in her robe
with diamonds hanging from her lobe.
With bells on her toes
gold rings in her nose
And a bone in her hair to probe.

There was a young man from Madrid
who purchased a cat for two quid.
He soon took it back
when the cat did quack
It went on a plate, so it did!

There was an old lady of Spain
who found she had plenty to gain.
She had to diet
but failed to try it,
and the scales made her complain.

A man found a worm on his head,
while trying to sleep in his bed.
He said: "It feels soft",
"I'll toss it aloft!"
but it crawled up his nose instead.

I saw a spider in a jug
I'm glad it was not in my mug,
I had hairy legs
where it laid its eggs
as snug as a bug in a rug.

A woman developed a cough
while bathing one day in a trough.
She blew like a whale
Though she was quite frail
and the gust blew her glasses off.

There once was a farmer named Jedd
who stated: "I'm actually dead!"
"I smell like a fish"
He soon got his wish.
and danced with his neighbor's wife Fred.

I once saw an ape with no hair.
Someone said it was Tony Blair.
He combed three fake strands
but made no demands
on the fleas he found living there.

On the wings of a snow white dove
I soared to the heavens above.
We saw forever
which isn't clever,
and filled the air with songs of love.

A man swung a hammer too far.
It slipped and landed in a bar.
They liked Iron Brew,
as base for a stew,
Now he with the hammer's a star!

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August 2014

Post by Yogi »

For every up there is a down
but this is life, no need to frown.
Each cloud has it's rain
Two steps back again.
Time to lounge in my dressing gown!

I tripped on a pile of old grass.
and was stunned by it's size and mass
I thought it was leaves,
but they make me sneeze
I'll take much more care when I pass.

The day is long, the night is short
but gives me time for private thought.
Sitting here alone
I realise time's flown;
this ship is going back to port

I jumped in a pond of frog spawn.
Frankly speaking, it made me yawn.
I'll eat some frogs' legs
mixed with scrambled eggs
and exit the water re-born.

A hog and a frog on a log
unbalanced and fell in a bog.
The oinks and the croaks
gave some people strokes,
and the dog was bogged in a fog.

A strange little man from Taiwan
took a walk to Azerbaijan
He turned the wrong way,
and was heard to say,
"I'm back at the place I began!"

I once met the Devil from Hell
Looking smug & remarkably well
He had cloven feet
His belly replete
With what, he was not going to tell.

I once had a dream about ghosts
That terrified all of their hosts
Clairvoyants distraughted
as spirits begot
their mayhem around the bed posts.

I once saw a fez on a goat
I laughed - & then fell in a moat
My sox (sic) were so wet
All covered in sweat
and how that old Billy did gloat.

I once owned a Schnauzer named Fritz
& all of my cushions he'd blitz
With a hind-leg quenelle
he'd rest for a spell
and dream of sleeping at the Ritz.

A billy-goat traipsed a small bridge
With a troll locked up in a 'fridge
Said he: 'Out you tip'
'I heard you - let rip!'
'Twas not just his pants had a ridge!

A woman jumped over a style
'I have not opened these - for a while!'
Last seen was her b*m
Two bottles of rum
Which brought to my face a big smile.

A parson had warts on his elbow
That - by praying he tried - to tell, 'Go'!
He rubbed in some wine
Parsimoniously de vine
but now he's a "happy" fellow.

I took a walk on the wild side
Temerity never denied
I said, 'Hey Honey.
'Your nose.s runny'
Just like that - right out loud - what a snide!

A buffalo fought with a deer.
A huge crowd assembled to cheer
The deer grinned and won
And said to her fawn
"I'm a Trojan horse really, m'dear!"

There once was a worm which would glow
It had some big eyes which would show.
As the worm wiggled
The young ones giggled
Rock me -won't you - Daddyo'!

A boy bent over - a cliff
while giving a rose a sniff
'Say - this could be a Richard'
"Why am I pictured?"
"As an Egyptian hieroglyph?"

There was an old lass from the north
Who lisped - as she fell off her horth
'I'm fed up of thith!'
'Thy taketh - the pith!'
"Thith widing'th more pain than it'th worth.

I found a penny in my shoe
& wondered thus what I should do
New found wealth can be a blight
Older money's still alright,
I'll think it over on the loo.

A man got a bee in his ear.
while drinking a pint of good beer.
He heard not a word,
from the cattle herd
The sounds were thus "moo-ted", I fear.

Old McDonald ate his fast food
Totally naked - extremely rude!
All eyes were on him
For this incredible whim
"He is super sized, what a dude!"

There was an old King called Canute
Wore pink wellies - how gaily astute!
He'd ne'er stopped the sea
So then waived his fee
And made wearing boots rather moot.

A doddering old codger - called Jack
took Jill up the hill for a snack.
He said, 'There's a pear'
'Howzat for a dare?'
And both of them smiled coming back.

A barnacled recluse named Dennis
invited his neighbour, Glenis
'Let's make up mixed doubles'
and solve the world's troubles
We'll orgy - right after - the tennis!'

Orange is a word with no rhyme
yet strangely it's used all the time.
On google I searched
and there two were perched,
But frankly orange is sublime.

A dog & a horse had a race
The cat thought it was a disgrace.
'I hope you don't 'paws'
'You'll loseth your 'draws'
The cat was soon put in its place.

There once was a house for robots
Out of the door - they'd throw lots
They did all the chores
But mopping the floor
They soaked -two drunken - faux Scots!

Should perfidy enter this site
Who's to judge what's wrong or is right?
We could flip a coin
or IDs purloin
pruging the evil and its blight.

There was a young boy from Milan
He married a girl from Saigon
The two had a ball
Tho' not rhyming at all
and now have a Little Japan.

There was a boy who ate a gnat
A puny thing, but made him fat.
He then ate a worm
which did thus confirm
Little boys are as dumb as a bat.

Albert caught his hand in a saw,
putting his mother in great awe.
Off came his finger,
She did not linger
and Albert's now truly Al Gore!

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September 2014

Post by Yogi »

A wounded knight - cried, 'Succour!'
A fair damsel then did pucker.
'I'll kiss this grave thrust'
'and heal it I must'
'But if you're gay - I'll send for your mucker!'

There once was a lad of great valor
Who paced outside - Broadway, Valhalla
He spotted a deli
& thought of his belly
And bought a bagel that was stellar.

I took off my trousers - to sneeze
& found there was thus quite a breeze
I sang a sea shanty
as gusts blew my pantie
'Tis a man's life - sailing - these seas!

A sausage once bounced off my plate
'Twas at the Okehampton Fete
With faces like thunder
We cheered the boy wonder
All cape - no banger - 'Oh Mate!'

I knew an old shrew named Nelly
Lived in North Wales - Abergele
With baskets of leeks
& an accent that reeks
Most noise came out of her belly.

A Chicagoan hotelier called Holmes
put a sign up:- 'No vagrants or gnomes'.
The natives did protest
Sparked a big 'murderfest'
While morticians rejoice from the moans.

A woman she fell from a tree.
And said to the lord, "I think thee."
"I've broken no bones"
"In spite of my moans"
"But neighbours're laughing with glee!"