Limericks - The Completed Version

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March 2012

Postby Yogi » 11 Sep 2012, 07:40

He who does not understand
Must endure a reprimand
As sometimes he is caught
With something he has bought
Which ends up being contraband.

The way of the world often staggers
Due to the overabundance of swaggers
And the bigger the hype,
The more we're contrite,
But only to silence the naggers.
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April 2012

Postby Yogi » 11 Sep 2012, 07:42

There was a young lady whose chin
Made her face look terribly thin
'til she opened her mouth
by dropping her jaw south
and found she could fit 12 pies in.

I once met a woman from Rome
Her hair could of done with a comb
In the midst of her tresses
She round chocolate messes
And snacked on them all the way home.

I went to the shop for a bottle of gin
A liquid to drown my sorrows in
It's delicious with ice
And a reasonable price
That can lead you into sin

I went to London to look for the Tower
No one knew I had a super power.
When I arrived,
I sort of hand-jived
While cutting power to the tower for an hour.

There's a funny old girl in Romania
Who saved up for a trip to Titania.
She boarded the plane
And nearly went insane
But half of the crew were much zanier.
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May 2012

Postby Yogi » 11 Sep 2012, 07:43

A sailor, a cowboy, a duck, and a pig,
A centipede and an earwig,
A fly in a pie,
Oh please tell me why
in Ireland a happy dance is call the jig.
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July 2012

Postby Yogi » 11 Sep 2012, 07:44

and so one is slightly back
to keeping things on track
not that people see
any talent in me
because they don't have the knack

This is the day we go to the zoo
we will learn all about animal poo.
We'll be careful while walking
no daydreaming or talking,
While we watch the critters in their loo.
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August 2012

Postby Yogi » 11 Sep 2012, 07:46

the summer that got lost
when touched by the frost
is running away from all that's dear
and telling us that winter is near
and Christmas and what that will cost

We must take a stand to defend our rights
Shout from the rooves and other great heights
Let the powers beware
their lent powers end is near
And we take to the streets in our tights.

a fight is not won with loud words,
especially when dealing with nerds,
they twist all your shouts
and create much doubt
so whisper to get yourself heard.

I once read a book about sewing
The needle was to-ing and fro-ing.
On each page I'd linger
searching out the tinker
all the while feeling lost for not knowing.
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September 2012

Postby Yogi » 14 Oct 2012, 08:58

Please bring me some raspberries with cream
If I don't get them soon I will scream
I can't do without it
Don't make me go pout it
And the fish course just HAS to be bream.

I once saw a dog with a locket
It kept all its cash in its pocket.
The dog's tail would wag,
As it drove in its Jag.
If you don't like it, don't knock it.

The light fades and night closes in.
I'm alone lamenting my sin,
I ate all the cakes
And several tray bakes
At this rate I'll never be thin.

A happy young man from Dundee
Held his wife upon his knee
Said she, "Am I heavy?"
He replied "Nay! No! Never!"
But his kilt was as creased as could be.

The sea was incredibly rough,
Our Admiral has had enough.
He invited the gods for tea,
Then exclaimed "Well, bless me!"
Apparently gods aren't that tough!

I once wrote some words for a limerick,
The protagonist: I called him Eric.
Said he, "I'm a bard, but
some words are hard.
That's why I'm a failure at rhetoric."

As days grow shorter and shorter
I'm beginning to think that I oughta
don scarf, gloves and hat
And even a mac,
To stave off a downpour of water.

Standup is hard to do,
and even harder when you
tell a joke that's no good
when really you should
man up, take off that tutu.

windows open all night long
The draught in winter felt all wrong.
Old Man Winter please bring some snow
But we'll freeze to death if the wind doth blow
Well at least it'll also freeze King Kong.

There once was a man who was bald,
And did not think he could be flawed
The hue of his head
Was a bright shade of red
So snooker ball head, he was called.

The label said "Drink" so I did
And fell with a crash and a skid.
I growled and I wailed,
As my foot it impaled
On a bottle I'd previously hid.

There was a young lady called Ellen,
Who once kissed a convicted felon.
But what she didn't know
was his sentence was low,
so soon he'd go back to his Helen.

The bed I sleep in is made up,
With room for my cat and my pup,
A family of sparrows
they nest in your marrows
And a mouse lives in my coffee cup.

I once saw a sheep in the meadow,
A truly magnificent fellow,
swarmed by flies,
He got a surprise,
when they bit him on his head-oh.
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October 2012

Postby Yogi » 14 Apr 2013, 06:34

A man had a nose like a beacon,
As green as the head of the mekon.
It flashed lime and red,
And so, it is said,
His nostrils thus started to weaken.

If there's one thing I hate it is this:
That the passage of life's not all bliss.
As soon as you know it
Each time that you blow it
The result's of your chosen remiss!

That is a cool limerick.
Which keeps all the brain cells a-tick,
And that, after all,
Is what matters - your call -
Grey and white matter quick, skulls not thick.

When I walk to work down Broadway,
I enjoy the, mostly all day,
In fact so much that
I don't kick the cat
That watches me from the doorway.

I once kissed a woman from London,
Who undoubtedly gave me the come-on,
She whispered my name,
As I asked: "Are you game?"
She was last seen in Southampton.

I once dropped a brick of hard concrete,
It landed across both my feet.
It bounced off my toes
I thought "there it goes!"
And hobbled away down the street.

A tent was put up in the desert,
The barbecue roasting the pheasant,
With a few dates and figs,
And enough booze and cigs,
The date in the tent was quite pleasant.

OMG - you people are awesome,
Though rhyming these words can be gruesome,
But if each plays their part,
With good finish and start,
You entertain and not bore some.

There was a young lady from York
Who seldom ate beef, fish or pork,
She feasted on berries
Seasoned with curries
And now hardly dares breathe or talk!

There once was a lady aged sixty,
She was thought to be very witty,
But when published, her verse
Did not fill her purse
Despite poetic ability!

There was a young farmer called Horace,
Who drove his sheep through the forest.
Said one: "Am I ewe?"
Can't tell by my hue,
Don't know if I'm Mildred or Maurice!

A patient woke up from a coma,
To find he'd received a diploma.
He thought that was great
To learn in that state,
He'd précised both Virgil and Homer.

A man had a boil on his bottom,
He fetched in Gomorrah or Sodom.
Said he, I am sore,
But it hurts even more,
So they padded the pustule with cotton.

The sun always shines in Morocco
Which ripens both fig and tomato,
But the bread gets rock hard,
Minus yeast when it's jarred,
You're better off at just eating risotto.

There was a young man from south Asia,
Who had a case of neoplasia.
Said he: Ouch! My tongue,
I'm not feeling so young,
This disease needs a rapid erasure.
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November 2012

Postby Yogi » 14 Apr 2013, 06:40

One bright sunny day I went sailing,
To catch some big fish I went whaling.
I searched high and low
Just a net was in tow,
And now by back side is quite ailing.

There was a young lady of Venice,
who enjoyed a good game of tennis.
She won several sets,
But I'm placing no bets
For it looked like you beat her then, Dennis!

A man suffered bad alopecia,
His wife said "You know that I wish ya
Could grow back your hair,
would save you some stir,
Or comb it much less, that'll teach ya!

I once found a bug in a bucket
In a back street of downtown Nantucket.
It was hairy and green,
The ugliest I've seen
A miniature Kermit, the muppet!

I once took a trip to Hong Kong,
The skyscrapers to wander among.
The punts on the river,
Fair made the ducks quiver
At seeing a boatman wear a thong.

A little old widow from Leigh on Sea
Went to Southend golf club, did she,
To sit in the cafe on Belton Way
Sadly for her it rained all day
As she sat there watching and sipping tea.

A skinny young man from Bangkok,
Sat naked upon a sharp rock
Said he, amidst smiles:
This really hurts my piles.
So he padded the part with his sock.
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December 2012

Postby Yogi » 14 Apr 2013, 06:46

There was a young woman named Bright
Her knickers were gaudy, yet light
With pants on display
She went out to play.
Now wasn't that a lovely sight?

There once was a laddie called Jim,
A nice chap, but terribly dim,
He married a teacher,
A bright looking creature,
Her brains carried both her and him.

I went to the fair in Corby Glen
To see all the side shows and strong young men,
Met the bearded lady
And her hairy baby,
Then went back to look yet again.

A sweet little granny who knitted
With skeins of wool she was littered,
She had so many needles
That even through measles
She remained quite adequately kitted.

A rather rotund chap named Bart
Decided he needed to part
With his mummy made trousers
and shirts like girl's blouses,
Even though it broke his his poor heart

A chap by the name of Joe bloggs,
Was addicted to dancing in clogs
The noise that he made
Along the parade.....
Almost stifled his dances and jogs.

There was a young man named Jack Frost
From a football game he got tossed
He went red in the face,
and proceeded to waste
His shorts fell down when he crossed

There was a young lady from Dorking,
Who was always constantly talking.....
Once she met a parrot
And pinched his fresh carrot,
And now he just won't stop squawking

Santa he came down the chimney,
Ate his mince pie and said "Oh Jimminy
With soot on his cheek,
He started to seek
In his sack for his thingimie.

The fairy on top of the tree,
Groped in her bag for a way to get free
She muttered and spluttered,
and got incredibly flustered,
But knew 'twas the place she should be.

I thought it very pricey,
For an item that looked quite dicey,
but, I made the gamble
and bought the dear candle
Which smelled nice and spicy.

There was a young sailor called Ted,
Who wore knickers upon his blonde head.
His wife thought it was uncanny
the way he knew the nanny
So she made him wear Y fronts instead.

There was an old lady called Ann,
Whose leg got stuck in a pan
"I've sure had my chips",
"least it wasn't my hips
But I'm worse off than when I began!"
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January 2013

Postby Yogi » 14 Apr 2013, 06:50

Imhotep has misplaced his Mummy,
Which was bandaged and toothless and gummy,
Someone had nicked her innards,
blamed on preditory lizards,
Which had a yummy mummy in their tummy.

There was an old vicar called Ron,
Who gave sermons a little too long
The tired congregation
Discussed conflagration
but chose flaggelation and song!

I once met a cat which was fat,
Its mother was thin as a lat,
When she lapped up her milk
Her stomach did tilt,
And force her to fall over flat.

There once was a chicken that flew,
It's feathers were red white and blue,
"Am I Yankee or Brit?"
"Or, a fat sized blue tit?"
They ate him, so then never knew!

I met an old lady in a shoe,
Who looked at her brood and just knew,
When they were in need of some socks
The kids went in the stocks,
And Yogi just hollered out "BOO!!"

I once met a woman called Stasia
Whose writing scarce' needed erasure.
When asked how she did it
She rapidly hid it
Then ran away to East Asia.

A boy with a bat found a red cat,
It was covered in fleas so much so that
Each time the cat did scratch
The fleas turned pink and did match
the lining of silk inside its hat.

There once was a girl with a pimple,
that didn't think things were simple,
But she gave it a squeeze
And look as you please
She now hides her face with a wimple.
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February 2013

Postby Yogi » 14 Apr 2013, 06:57

I sailed in a boat that was leaky
Both starboard and port they were creaky
The cabin boy wept
As the water it crept,
And to me that's all kind of freaky.

A horse caught a stone in its hoof,
After he fell off the barn's roof
Said he: "Bless my shoe ..
And then he turned blue
As he blew the stone out - that's the truth!

One fine sunny day I went sailing
Through lack of the sport I'd been ailing,
My spirits were lifted
At being so gifted
At riding on the winds prevailing.

I offered to go up to Mars,
Where there's cheese flavored candy bars
But with such an amount,
And the odds to surmount,
I left all the cheese to the stars.

It happened one foggy day in May ...
And getting confused, lost my way,
I consulted my compass
It broke - what a rumpus!
So in the fog I now must stay.

A gentleman lived in a manor,
His wife proved to be a good planner.
The décor of the rooms
Was perfected with brooms
And the gent kept it clean in that manner.

Here I sit alone and hungry
but I've spied an "iffy" red funghi.
I have no malice against the 'shroom
And thus my stomach's made some room
to be satisfied right justly.

There was a young lady from London,
Whose friends she would never abandon.
They went out to lunch
And food did they munch
Then slimmed by a week in a dungeon.

A lavender scented old lady
Picked flowers from parks that were shady.
Each time she bent over
Her shadow did cover
Now I think she's having a baby

I went to the moon to buy some cheese,
Some hard and some soft I did squeeze,
The mouse on the moon said thank you sir,
And never once did it ever occur
for me and the mouse to sneeze.

There was a young man called Joe,
Who had an exceptionally very big toe,
It stuck forth from his shoe,
and would often turn blue
So he painted the rest just for show.

pirate once said he is tired
So 10 hours a night are required
But as soon as he got into bed
Plundered gems filled his head,
and sleep was no longer desired.

A musical maestro called Paul,
Played piano in Carnegie Hall
And to end his recital
the black keys became vital
for the white ones weren't plonked on at all.

There once was a Princess named Dora
Who looked masculine in her fedora.
She had a hair on her chin
and her chest fair sank in,
which is normal in Bora Bora.

A lady from old-style Siam,
Thought she was Omar Khayyám
With a skirt and a turban
She went about disturbin'
And said: "What a strange girl I am!"

There was an old man from Tring,
Who played with his old ding-a-ling
With the sound of a bell,
and a howl straight from Hell
With practice, he felt not a thing.

I once saw a belly that was fat
Pulled in with some stays and all that,
It had lint in it's navel
And when shaken was able
To show it belonged to my Tom Cat.

There was a young woman from Crewe
Who boarded her train with a stew
It slopped back and forth,
Into a mess did it morph
And was cold by the time it reached Looe!
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March 2013

Postby Yogi » 14 Apr 2013, 07:03

I went to the sea to catch a fish,
And netted a big one - delish!
With a kettle on the fire
I felt the desire
To garnish the fish with radish

There once was a cowboy so brave,
The newspaper headlines would rave
So quick to lasso
Bulls in El Paso
He missed one, and's now in his grave!

I once saw a snake that was hairy
Its coat and its scales they did vary.
I asked how he could slither
His hairy parts hither
And make himself look so scary.

There was an old woman called Brenda,
On whose birthday a card I would send ha.
With verses galore,
Who could ask for more
And lived out her life in great splendour.

The man in the moon is named Benny
But of ladies he didn't have any,
So he gazed at the stars
and smoked lots of cigars
Then came home and spent a whole penny

There was a young man from Bombay,
who had one purple eye, some say
and as strange as it was
It looked lovely, because
It shone like a beacon all day

There was an old man from Brazil,
Whose voice was exceedingly shrill.
No song could he sing
So some bells he did ring,
So they dosed him with pure chlorophyll.

There was an old lady who's deaf
She wanted to become a chef
She put on her 'whites'
and turned off the lights
She didn't hear "Fire!" from chef Jeff!

I went to the zoo for a day
And watched all the monkeys at play.
The zebras were there
No fleas in their hair,
Even though they'd rolled in the hay.

There once was a dentist called Sam,
Who loved sweet honey and jam
He spread it on bread,
Got toothache instead,
And now eats his bread with Cayenne.

There was a young lady from Spain
who looked at the sky when it rained
With clouds in profusion,
She had the delusion
That flooding would addle her brain.

While strolling through the park one day
Arrows were pointed my way,
It might have disturbed me
"Keep right" just perturbed me,
I think I'll just sit here and pray.

A pious young bishop called Stan,
drove to church in a gilded van.
But he stopped with a puncture,
and was eyed by a vulture
So forgot all his riches, and ran!

I saw a bird who flies by night
Who was blessed with incredible sight
And who went the route
With a too wit and a hoot
Which gave the poor squirrels a fright

There was an old African Queen,
Who in her ear placed a green bean
It produced several shoots,
Two grew through her boots
but her hearing remained very keen.

A toast I proposed to a nun
Was reciprocated and fun,
But none really wanted to see
How quickly she would try to flee
'Cos the "toast" was just bread, hee hee hee!
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April 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Sep 2013, 07:46

I once ran with the bulls in Spain
But after that, I did abstain.
Run fast I could not
So a horn found its spot,
And now I have a pain in the drain.

A sweet little laddie from Ireland,
Was known as a bit of a firebrand,
Each time he would sit
Then suddenly spit
which no one nearby could understand.

There once was a farmer called Fred,
who would slumber under his bed
He slept through the harvest,
and missed his breakfast
So dreampt of these items instead.

I owned a pet spider named Fred
Whose multiple eyes filled his head,
When he looked side ways
he fell off the driveways,
and then wished he had stayed in bed.

An owl and a buzzard went hunting,
where they met a pink pig who was grunting
He snuffled and snorted,
A red coat he sported
So the birds just mistook him for bunting.

I once bought an apple in Worms
which actually simply confirms
right down to the core
There are maggots no more,
And that takes care of my concerns.

A lovely young lady from Flanders,
walks by the seashore and meanders.
She picked up some shells,
and took in the smells
But got fined by the navy Commanders.

I once took our vicar to tea;
His cassock rode up past his knee.
Though he was standing
His long johns were dangling
Were everyone looking could see.
Blessed are the cracked for they let

An elephant ran up a tree,
Anxious to see what it could see.
He grasped with his trunk
to steady his hunk
But fell, what a Dumbo was he!

There once was a zebra named Ed
Who had spots and not stripes on his head.
It was plain to see
What he was meant to be:
A critter whom others have fled.

A woman from old Timbuktu
took her monkey to join the zoo
But for such a foul ape
The bystanders did gape
He picked at his nose which he blew!

There once was an actress named Meg
Who would drink strong beer by the keg.
By day she would drink
It fair made her stink
How true were the words "break a leg!"

I know an old geezer called Sue
Whose face turned exceedingly blue.
She would hold her breath
which near-caused her death
Oh what a disastrous to-do.

There was an old geezer called Burt
who fell in a pile of black dirt.
He called his friend Ernie
Who had the same journey,
to find the old lady named Gert.

A rat catcher caught a huge rat,
With a Louisville Slugger bat.
It leapt and it squealed,
And then it self peeled
While vowing to make the cat fat.

A skinny young man from Berlin
had cheeks which were fair sunken in.
His eyes were bright green
A sight to be seen,
His granny was called Ann Boleyn

There once was a woman from Gwent
Who sang wherever she went
She sang of the hills,
With loud sounding shrills
And deafened the Welsh with intent!

I once met a man who was bald.
So an Elton John weave was installed.
He strutted about
with strands falling out,
After which he was quite appalled.
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May 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Sep 2013, 07:51

A man found a boil on his knee,
and went round saying "Woe is me."
The growing carbuncle
Needed a parbuckle
But it snapped, so the boil's now three.

There once was a potter named Harry
Whose craft predisposed him to tarry.
His fortè with clay
was magic, they say,
And helped him to be very merry.

A giant who looked like an oaf,
Stood up while eating his meat loaf
Said he: "Now I'm full"
And began to drool
he'd eaten enough for us both.

There once was a cow eating grass
When terrible wind it did pass!
She let out a mooo
her face it turned blue,
As she fell over on her ass.

A man had an extra-long thumb,
His wife said that it was quite dumb
Same size as his finger,
It surely could linger,
When scratching his nose or his bum!

I once met a turkey named Tom
who strutted the yard with aplomb,
Each day he would try
to escape roast or fry,
But was hit one day by a bomb.

A trainspotter wanted to see
Exactly how to grow a pea.
'twixt sleeper and line,
He thought it divine
'Til a train squashed his pods-to-be.

While on the road to Santa Fe
I got lost in the mountains all day,
Not one to give up,
I drank from my cup,
And proceeded to puke the next day.

A man he played tunes on his trumpet
while people would dance and bump it.
Sometimes it was jazz,
With lots of pizazz
Followed by tea and a crumpet.

There once was an old nag in Kent
Whose nose was exceedingly bent.
While sipping her tea
she nagged on for three,
And never attract a good gent.

There once was a llama with fleas,
and would wag it's tail in the breeze.
With snorts and a cough,
it's nothing to scoff,
but now it has lice, if you please!

In my house a ghost was haunting
An exorcism was daunting,
The shrieks and the howls
Affected my bowels
and nothing you would go flaunting.

There was a young man from Purley,
Who woke up each morning early.
Today he got wed.
What more can be said?
His wife's Elizabeth Hurley!

It was a day I'll not forget
My very first time on the net!
It involved a mouse
No pest you could douse,
Nor one that needs to see a vet.

A fair came to town in the spring,
where children would laugh and would sing
With sideshows galore,
and requests for more
The coconut was shy, poor thing!

There was an old man with a snake
Which swayed with the tunes he did make,
You might be alarmed
As each snake was charmed
merely by baking it a cake.
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June 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Sep 2013, 07:58

An artist was painting in oils,
while hoping to produce no spoils.
He sneezed on a stroke,
the brush nearly broke
His figures were then all gargoyles.

I once saw a witch on a broom
but sadly there wasn't much room.
She rode side saddle
Legs didn't straddle,
While she took off with a varoom!

A laptop got stuck in its box,
Becoming useless as three rocks.
I cut and I drilled,
till the box was filled
It shot out without any knocks!

There once was a forum for poems
Some witty, some complex like phloems.
It gets organic
Frequently manic,
And noted for laughing and groans.

There once was a woman so bald,
her hair brush had to be recalled.
With hats and a wig,
and smoking a cig,
When nick-named "old cue ball" she bawled!

I once saw a boy eat a gnat
He chewed it until it was flat.
When asked how it tastes
He said "Like meat pastes",
Now sod off and get some of that!

A woman was born with three heads,
On each of which her hair in dreads.
Said first head to last
"Isn't it a blast?"
"Get knotted," said middle of threads.

I once saw a cat in a hat
with a silk and matching cravat.
It was plainly clear
'twas a feline peer,
Of a noble vampire bat.

There once was a sailor called Bob
who liked eating corn on the cob.
It stuck in his teeth,
like cranberry heath
But felt "all at sea" with the job.

I once found a ball which was blue
and marveled at such a bright hue,
It glows in the dark
and lights up the park.
I think I will serve it with stew.

A woman went shopping for shoes,
and ended up buying some booze.
She staggered around
and fell to the ground
And felt such a heel at the news.

There was an old man with a key
Which worked when turned left a degree.
When turned to the right
the lock it stuck tight.
Twas a pity, don't you agree?

There was an old woman with spots,
who would eat all her meals from pots
She scraped up each side,
while taking much pride
Her pimples still let her eat lots!

There was a large spider named Ant
Whose size made him snuffle and pant,
His mate was so small
he dwarfed her, and all,
But, still ran away from her rants.

There was an old king called Canute,
who passed time smoking a cheroot
With smoke in his eyes,
it was no surprise
His face turned the shade of beetroot!

I went to the annual fair.
The rides and the sideshows were there.
I ate a hot dog
Then down came the fog,
As I was dancing with a bear.

A woman said: "Lord, I'm a sinner",
The Lord said, "No, you're a winner."
"Just cover your face",
"It's not a disgrace",
"But that," she said's "just a beginner!"

There once was a goat of some fame
Who danced very well, although lame.
He ate cans of tin
which rusted his shin,
the water he drank was to blame.
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July 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Sep 2013, 08:03

A girl from sandy Nevada,
toured the city of Granada
She found lots of work
for doing the twerk
Which made the job fun, but harder.

I once had a ghost in my house
A quiet but unwanted louse,
She sat on a chair
and then wasn't there ...
I think it was Juliet Prowse.

I once found a twig in my shoe,
It hurt so bad that I turned blue.
I then found a stone,
and sadly I groaned
That sandals would then have to do.

There was a young prince named Harry
Whose antics caused mum some worry.
On a trip to Wales
He gulped down cocktails;
A royal way to be merry.

There once was a Prince known as Wills,
Who flew to Cambridge to seek thrills
Already a Duke,
We could not rebuke
and worse, we just pick up his bills!

There once was a sculptor named Phideous
Whose works were malign and insiduous.
He worked with an axe
chipping stone, moulding wax,
his work was quite perfidious.

There was a young lady from Maine,
All the women there are insane.
She moved to Vermont,
Moved in with her aunt,
and never went back home again.

I went to Vienna in June
to watch an eclipse of the moon.
My eyes were amazed
as star-ward I gazed,
I was shat on by a huge loon.

A man once said of his pension,
"Thinking of it brings great tension.
To save or to spend,
questions never end.
Though mine's far too small to mention.

There once was a bird in an egg,
Ejected like a powder keg.
It's head was all bald
But its journey was stalled
when he could not stand on his leg.

There once was a man with no name,
who could not make a claim to fame.
They called him Old Bob,
He had such a gob,
The impact was nil, all the same.

I saw a monkey eating cake
and soon his big belly did ache.
He ate the icing
despite the pricing,
And now we're going to his wake.

An ice cream fell right on my head,
Good job it is lighter than lead.
It made such a mess,
that I must confess
I've turned to lollipops instead.

There was a toad sat on a 'shroom
Who croaked and stared into the gloom.
Along came a snake
which made the toad shake,
while spying it's slithery doom.

There was a young lady from Kent,
who sang songs wherever she went
She made quite a din
visiting the inn
To lubricate sounds - with intent.

There once was a bug that was green,
He was long like a shiny French bean.
It danced like a worm
Made everyone squirm,
to see a bug with moves so keen.

A man had a rat on his head,
and hit it with a pipe of lead.
The pipe just bounced off.
It's nothing to scoff.
So the rat's now a toupee instead!

There once was a doctor of fame
'Twas Frankenstein, to his great shame.
His patients were seen
Only once, it would seem,
they went back to from whence they came.
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August 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Sep 2013, 08:09

A man had a boil on his foot,
and healed it using arrow root
A dock leaf on top
for fluids to sop
But it popped and filled up his boot!

I once rolled on the floor laughing
I ached, which set me off coughing,
My toes were curled up
A joke cracked me up.
Honestly, I was not dashing.

There was a young lady from Nice,
who grew a garden of green peas
But the peas turned to grass,
by magic, my lass
It's good to grow grasses in Nice.

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
became quite a paranoid dude.
When a shout came from shore,
"Hands up! It's the law!"
Our bather appeared to be nude.

A man who was called Billy Smart,
walked around pushing a red cart
A seal sat within,
barking at the wind
A circus alright, from the start!

There once was a baron called Grey,
who fancied being Earl, some fine day.
It was his notion
to brew up a potion,
"It's my cup of tea," he did say.

A man took a trip to Venice,
Only to play games of tennis.
He hit the balls hard,
they flew past my yard,
bet you weren't happy then, Dennis!

I met a boy who played cricket
The balls flew wide at the wicket.
He stayed in the crease
The balls flew with ease,
and the batsman knew where to stick it.

A lady once played a trombone,
for her sweetheart calling her phone
With his bagpipes he'd answer
More gigolo than gangster.
I think I'll play my saxophone.

There once was a man from Madrid,
who though he was Señor* El Cid.
With shield and with sword,
he jumped off a fjord
Brave? Who was HE trying to kid!

There once was a bear on a chair
He knew that he shouldn't be there.
His bum was too big
he gave not a fig,
so the bear sat bare on the chair.

A poet decided to rhyme,
but he lacked both skill and time
The lines they went wrong,
Like a untuned gong
A poor and literary crime.

There once was a creepy bed bug
who then made a nest in a rug.
It's legs were hairy
Its foes were wary
that he'd want to give them a hug.

A lady liked making mud pies,
and, strangely, attracted some flies.
A new "spotted Dick"*
you'd not want to pick
was covered in maggots' big eyes!

I once went to school in the fog
But slipped and fell into a bog.
My Wellies were wet
paludal, and yet
my spotted dick did not suffer a slog!

A man who kept pigs and a hen,
consumed bacon and eggs, but then
Like eggs he went soft,
and was scrambled oft
and he ne'er touched the foodstuff again.

I met her in Tucumcari
eating some rank calamari,
Her tacos were hot
Her breath was - a lot -
and her knee caps were quite hairy.

There was a young man in the Seine,
who fell in but did not complain.
He swallowed an eel
which made him turn teal
The river was never the same.

There was an old goat in New York
At Bronx Hall of Fame he did work.
With bucket and pail
mopped floors with his tail,
while hoping he was not a dork.

A happy young laddie from Fife,
searched high and low for a good wife.
He proffered his dirk,
and got back a smirk
His bagpipes then burst into life!
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September 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Dec 2013, 11:29

'Tis a favorite project of mine,
to perfect all my poems by line.
I'll write and edit
to try and "get it"
before nine o'clock when I dine.

A glorious building once stood,
down the street in my neighborhood
They knocked it all down,
which caused me to frown
so I built it again, from wood.

On this mountain I am standing
All horizons are expanding,
the heavens are clear
I view all from here,
where a UFO is landing.

There was a young lady from Crewe,
who used the rails and has not flew.
She bought some new shoes,
to go on a cruise
And now walks the decks with the crew!

The day started off with a bang.
When Parliament wished to harangue.
while sipping their tea.
the Powers That Be
enjoyed lemon pie with meringue.

There once was a wolf in disguise,
His penchant was for apple pies.
He liked them with cream,
which made his eyes gleam
but doubled his waistline in size.

once met a lady in red
Whose dress matched her hair it was said.
She walked down the street
Red shoes on her feet,
She said she's better red than dead.

There was a young man from Ceylon,
who ate one too many pecan
The nuts gave him wind,
and with that he grinned
and took to the skies like a swan!

I once saw a swan in the sky
Who screeched as it swiftly went by.
She once was a duck
as ugly as muck,
but never did learn how to fly.

A woman picked berries for food,
and carried them home to her brood
A blackberry each,
Not even one peach
but the raspberries lightened her mood.

I slept in a barn with a mouse
and shared it with cats and a goose.
When 6 AM came
I must take the blame
for scaring the hens from their house.

A grumpy old miser from Kent,
could not see how money was spent.
With wallet and purse,
he would rant and curse,
andf kept it all safe, with intent.

There was a young girl on a horse
Whose riding was par for the course.
One day she was late
she fell at a gate;
an event which brought great remorse.

A surgeon took wrinkles away,
and did a good job, some would say.
A nip and a tuck
he did with some pluck
and faced with the bills, folk would pay.

I once met a girl named Alice
who longed to live in a palace.
She sought Prince Charming
- found him alarming -
then looked upon him with malice.

A gale blew a toupee astray,
and noone found it to this day
Except an old dear,
who thought it quite queer
but now sports the "beard", if you may!

I went to the ocean to swim
Out-pacing both her and then him
A sudden leg cramp
then finished the champ
then headed right off to the gym.

A teacher showed an equation,
for students use on occasion.
Isosceles, pi,
Here's mud in your eye!
A subject for total evasion!

I once saw a frog in the bog
It croaked like a wheezy old dog.
It's hard being green
but yellow's worse seen,
And now its a frog on a log.

A pig in a sty had a stye,
It made the brown cow want to cry
"How now," said the cow,
"Can we help the sow?"
and shifted the stye by the by.
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October 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Dec 2013, 11:39

There was an old lady who thrived
in caves where she solely survived.
On the walls were bats,
On the floor reed mats,
the comforts of home were deprived.

Fred missed his train at the station,
causing a lot of frustration.
Timetables were old,
breakfast tea was cold
Time for a new occupation.

A castle once had a deep moat
So near that it almost did float.
They tried to drain it
but knew they'd feign it
and instead all they did was gloat.

A builder he ran out of bricks,
and tried to make a house of sticks
With wattle and daub,
Brought back in a Saab LOL! That's a slight cheat there!!
He finished his "masonry" tricks.

I once met a poet from Troy
His rhymes gave the Trojans much joy.
The Apple of Gold
is new - not that old,
and turned out to be just a ploy.

Freda was a minging old witch
whose hat caused a terrible itch.
She thought it was fleas
then found it was bees!
And now she acquired a twitch.

There once was a man on a bike.
who liked to go fishing for pike.
One bit his big toe,
and made the man crow
he was done for after one strike.

I once saw a horse that was roan
So nice but he felt quite alone.
No rider was near
nor friends he held dear,
Just to think about it, he'd groan.

An elderly gent from Lahore,
bumped his nose while closing a door.
The door it revolved,
Much pain was involved
He spun round a good few times more.

On the way to Plymouth one day
I stopped to watch rabbits at play.
They hippity hopped
then suddenly stopped,
while Pilgrims came ashore to stay.

A cat was once born with no hair.
She was heard to say it's not fair
"My skin is quite pink",
"plus I think I stink"
"but sadly a quirk I must bear".

I wore a dress that had no frills
A flimsy thing that caused me chills.
Twas cloth without class
and showed off my .. mass,
It's only use now is for spills.

The Pope had a ridge on his head
from playing football, it is said.
The mark had its use,
while cooking a goose
Or an instant toast rack instead!

I spied a ship on the ocean
Sailing south east by the motion
of the waves and swells.
Below deck the smells
created quite a commotion.

I once played I Spy, with my eye
while my face turned suddenly wry
What starts with an X,
is certain to vex.
New rules for the game now apply.

I once knew an author of note
Articulate stories he wrote.
He'd sit in his chair,
Composing with flair,
While wishing he was on a boat.

An angel came down from the sky
while trying to learn how to fly.
She flipped and she floundered,
totally confounded*
But rose up again by and by.
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November 2013

Postby Yogi » 06 Dec 2013, 11:46

I spied a bird which was early
Its feathers were sparse and curly.
She searched for a worm
and I have to confirm
she now is no longer surly.

A man caught a pike with a stick.
How the fish held it is a trick!
Its teeth bit straight through it,
with intent to chew it,
and now he's a breakfast for Mick!

I once met an elf whose name was Ralph
He knew of the ring, kept by Gandalf.
It's power was acclaimed
Ring of fire it was named,
something you could not get off the shelf.

A baker he baked many pies.
We don't know of what they comprise.
With a cherry on top
next to a red gum drop
A veritable sight for sore eyes.

A biker had biked many miles
and waved as he passed with big smiles.
His goal was in sight
His bike was alright.
He knew he'd get home all the while.

A happy young lady from Gwent,
sat wondering where it all went.
She sighed "I've no money
to buy milk or honey"
"I had it all there, but it went!"

There was a young woodsman named Clint
who used some chopped wood as a splint.
While wielding his axe
he mis-judged the smacks,
which came from an ol' moistened bint.

A man found his toe had a wart,
Curing it was quite an effort.
No compound or creams
Worked well so it seems.
Complete waste of money, he thought.

There was a young damsel named Brett
whose name we'd much rather forget!
She ate with a spoon
and shaved every noon,
her mate left her with no regret!

A happy young man from Haiti
who lived to be well nigh eighty
Had Botox and lifts,
in his wedding gifts
And doubles as Warren Beatty!

There once was a goddess quite modest.
She was strange, but not quite the oddest.
A pixie from Paris
A fairytale heiress
Wore a dress with an iron bodice.

I once stuffed my mouth full of soot,
Which tasted not unlike suet
All black like the plague,
and smells like an egg
It did nothing at all for my gut.

The day is bright, the day is sunny
With Autumn here it seems quite funny
to see the birds fly south
no insects in their mouth,
and no sign of bees nor their honey.

There was an old woman called Kim,
who liked to work out in the gym.
Her muscles grew vast.
Men ran from her fast.
Her size made her look like a "him"!

There once was a young girl named Pat
who considered herself pretty fat.
She looked at the scale
thinking: "Oops - too much ale!"
Then turned around and kicked the cat.

A jovial man in a band,
played his drum with only one hand.
His leg was but one,
which made it more fun
He joked: "I've a band but no stand!"

There once was a plant with no pot
It drooped because someone forgot
that plants need a home
like soil, food and gnome,
in which to thrive and grow a lot.

A grumpy old woman called Ann
never once used a frying pan
She griddled and grilled,
Her menus were filled
More healthy and fresh since her ban.

While flying with eagles one day
they circled then spotted their prey.
A cute little mouse
and a big fat grouse
were all served on a silver tray.

A man had a lump on his head,
that clearly was glowing bright red.
It throbbed and it burst,
Someone called a hearse,
No more use as a hat stand instead.

While strolling through the park one day
I overheard a woman say:
Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah
Play on the swing bar
All in the merry month of May.

A man found a cork in his soup
and called the chef to have a look
It floated and bobbed,
as he cried and sobbed
The chef hooked it out in one scoop.

There once was a jeweler with a loupe
which magnified, letting him snoop.
He looked at his toes
which shone like his nose,
and made him stand out from the group.

A woman hid jewels from a mine,
She donned them and looked very fine.
But they questioned her wealth,
and her mental health
When they went where the sun don't shine.
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