Other peoples stress

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Other peoples stress

Postby imbizze » 25 Feb 2008, 13:30

I deliberately keep my life as simple as possible. I don't like stress. I dont like debt, breaking rules, and being late. They all stress me.

I have found that my son stresses me out with HIS stressful situations. Hubby stresses me out like no other! The way some folks handle their lives makes me nuts when I get sucked in. When it's family, it's so hard not to take on that stress myself. Two of my daughters are nice and calm like I am. The oldest daughter stresses me out too, but she lives in another state. So her stress is all her own now!

How do you handle other peoples' stress when they are right there in your inner circle? I wish I could simply not care. But I will always care about family. (sigh!)
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby pilvikki » 25 Feb 2008, 16:55

when someone figures that one out, pls let me know...

:vrysad: :vrysad:
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby mamie » 26 Feb 2008, 06:21

When others have stressful situations they dump it on you - that makes you the 'stress depository'. What you need to do, and it may or may not work, is pass it on - get it off your mind. Instead of being the depository ["The stress stops here!!!"], be a conduit instead of a 'keeper'. Funnel that stress and those thoughts on to another place.

(and like Pilvikki said, when you find that place, be sure to forward the co-ordinates on to me!) :sigh:
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby threenorns » 26 Feb 2008, 06:26

one thing i found that helps is to keep reminding myself that Shit Happens and it's not always anything to do with me. if someone's dumping stress on me - ie, my friend upstairs with her absolutely nutjob ex and she wants me to do a hundred things like type up letters and make phone calls and look up information - i ask myself "is this MY situation?". if no, i ask "will getting mixed in interfere with my life?" if yes, sorry - i can't help you with a clear conscience.

also!

never make excuses. i found a simple "no" or even a "no, thankyou" is a lot let stressful than "ooooh, yah... um.. i would LIKE to, but there's the baby and then he's working and, and, and".
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby Silke » 26 Feb 2008, 08:00

*sigh* teach me how to say "sorry, my timetable is full" and I'd be forever gratefull!

I'm too stressed myself to ever take on other peoples stress, in other ways than to say "I'll help you".
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby meadow » 27 Feb 2008, 21:42

just SAY "i'm sorry my timetable is full" ????

i never feel guilty about telling anyone NO. ever. i don't make people feel bad for having to tell me no, either.

i refuse to let my family stress me out. my dad definitely knows how to push my buttons though but we usually just shout for a while then i stomp off and ignore him. and i keep on being me. same with my sister although we've lived apart for quite a few years so i refuse to play into her bullshit. we didn't speak for 3 months while she had her little pointless hissy fit. i just let her cause that's HER acting retarded, not me.

i have no problem saying NO and never have. my mother was like that, she'd just flat out tell you no. i don't feel i have to apologize or explain myself when i do either, but i will depending on circumstance.

more people need to grow a pair and just say no when it warrants it. and then not apologize for it or pussyfoot around it. just say no, mean it and move on with their lives. if more people did that, the better the world would be.
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby pilvikki » 28 Feb 2008, 03:19

it's way the hell more acceptable and kinder to say "sorry, no." than to start going on about "oh junior has brain surgery scheduled for that week and john is out of town and my mother's not been feeling well and the neighbour who usually sits, won the jackpot and moved out of state and my car's in the garage for the head gasket and..."
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby imbizze » 28 Feb 2008, 07:00

The stress doesn't come from others asking me to do stuff for them. It comes more from their telling me about crazy situations they are in or just hearing about dumb choices they have made that always seem to drag me down with them. Their life choices just always seem to be the opposite of the choices I would make. I wish they just didn't even tell me about their blunders. :shh: :naughty:
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby pilvikki » 28 Feb 2008, 09:43

oh, i see what you mean. this is a case of the "ownership" they used to ta talk about in psychology [maybe still do?]. by telling you, these people are passing the ownership of their problems to you to lighten their load. you need to be alert to one coming down the pipe and say: "look, i'd rather you talked to your minister [or whatever] about this as i can't help and it would only upset me."

or something to that effect.
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby imbizze » 28 Feb 2008, 14:42

Exactly! I surely don't need to "own" other peoples problems. Lord knows, I have enough of my own!

I need to find a good "not listening" emoticon! :hand: :ignor:
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby Silke » 28 Feb 2008, 15:49

just telling about ones problem is in itself a question of help. When you tell people about your problems you do it for a reason, be it to share the load, get sympathy or advice. I wouldn't call myself a friend if I couldn't be there to even listen. If you really don't want to listen start unloading your own problems and see if it evolves to a "fight" about who has the most shitty life at the moment or they just figure out that they will listen to you because "you obviously need it more".

Same applies about stressfull situations. You wouldn't even say anything about it to others unless it was to get ridd of it yourself, or even just look at it from a distance, if you understand what I mean. I don't see what is wrong in it, and I even like it when people confide in me, whatever they say.
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby pilvikki » 28 Feb 2008, 21:54

that so depends on the amount one can carry! when i was working i'd get questions like "my b/f is married, do you think i should have an abortion?" like... you're asking ME?

or "how do i tell my husband that i don't want her mother from the "old country" to spend the summer with us trying to run the household? she doesn't even speak english!"

or "my wife told me to get out. what should i do?"

or "my daughter married a pinoy for $2000, but now they're not pauing her." :!:

or "my kids are on drugs...."

when you get this stuff all the time, it's like come on! enough already!

listening will NOT help, these people need a professional.
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby Silke » 29 Feb 2008, 09:14

...then that is the answer you give them. "Get help profesional help, will you?" I didn't mean that you had to play shrink or counselor, and if the things gets to those extreames then yes, just say "get help!"
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Re: Other peoples stress

Postby ladypatg » 01 Mar 2008, 05:04

I agree with Silke and Meadow. Listening to someone's problems or choices does not mean I have to own them. But, listening isn't a hardship for me. If the problem is beyond my scope to solve, I'll direct them to someone who might be able to help. If the problem is one I can solve and if I choose to I will do so. Or if they just need someone to bounce ideas off of - no biggie. The operative word is choice. Just because someone is on an emotional rollercoaster doesn't mean I have to ride along. It's their coaster. I'll just watch, thank you.

Some people might find it cold-hearted not to commiserate and wallow around in the other person's troubles. I call it creating suitable boundaries.

If someone makes decisions that are not what I would have done - cool. They are different beings than me and it is their right to do so. If their lives are in turmoil because of their decisions and they want to discuss it with me - fine. If they are close to me and this is a pattern I'll point that out to them and offer to help -this time. If their lives are just different because of their choices, that's ok. If someone's choices actually bother me I need to look at myself and figure out what trigger that decision has set off in me that is causing me to be bothered.

I had to learn how to not ride other peoples' coasters for my own sanity. What will be will be and my worrying or running in circles in my head will not change anything at all. It will just make me tired and cranky. Then I'm no good to anyone including myself. If someone I care for is having troubles I send out positive energy into the universe regarding their situation and I let it go. I still care that all will go well but, I don't fret the in between time. The situation will resolve itself one way or the other and when we get there we can cross that bridge.
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