Daddy...

Topics related to family life.

Daddy...

Postby Prncssvoid » 09 Jan 2008, 22:49

Well I just found out for certain my older sister, by two years, has a different father than me. It blew me away, but I guess it's not wholly surprising. She'd suspected for some time and asked our mom, who thought it was so. Dad took a paternity test and results came in today. I'm in total shock, it's like she's not really my sister. I know it's retarded but it changes things somehow. My view on my mom is even lower than it already was. She never told dad outright, he just sorta figured on his own. Mom knows who the biological father is for sure...my sis doesn't know if she wants to talk to him or not, I wanna know more about him. I just can't believe mom would do that!
User avatar
Prncssvoid
 

Re: Daddy...

Postby G5Pontiac » 10 Jan 2008, 00:36

It's tough, but we have to muddle on through life playing the hand we're dealt. If you have the same mom, then she is most certainly your sister. But, even that is not important, loving each other is.

Since you don't know the particulars of your mom's situation at the time, you should not judge her. How long should she be punished? Does she have a history of doing things like that, or of not taking care of you and your sister? Life is hard, and we all make mistakes that we live to regret. If that's the only thing wrong with your mom, you should forgive and forget. If your sister is nice, then you can consider yourself fortunate to have her.

I don't know your situation; and maybe you are miserable; but love beats hate every time.

"To error is human, to forgive is divine."

I'm sorry that there is so much turmoil in your life. My heart goes out to you and your family. It's an awful thing, but you can live it down.
User avatar
G5Pontiac
 

Re: Daddy...

Postby meadow » 10 Jan 2008, 00:53

i have a very close and dear friend who was the one who is the "other" sister. she was over 30 when she found out and confronted her mother. her dad doesn't know even now...why should he? he's got three kids and as far as my friend is concerned...that's her dad. she's met her biological father but it's not family.

family is what you make it. it's not about BLOOD in the end...it's about how much you love that person. who gives a righteous crap who her 'real' dad is!

and don't be so quick to judge your mother. you don't know what it's like to be her or in her shoes. we all LOVE to think 'we would do things differently' but hey...hindsight is 20/20! you don't have any real idea what it's been like for her all these years.

and who cares now...why let it bother you. your mother is ALIVE and you have sister. believe me, my sister is very important to me in my life, now more than ever. once my mother died 5 years ago, my sister and i realized that life is short, life is what you make of it and that you don't have to be all lovey-dovey ass-kissy to love each other and be there when it matters the most. my sister and i fight like you can't even believe...we say totally horrible, mean, awful things to each other. and, sometimes we totally MEAN it. but in the end...she is my sister. not because we have the same genetic material, the same mother, the same father. but because she's been there every single day of my life, for the most part, and there ain't anyone who knows me better. as much as i hate that!!! *LOL*

give your family a large break. it's not that serious. quit making and looking for trauma drama when there really ain't none. the bad shit will come soon enough, and it will change you. don't rush that part of life...don't rush into the pain and agony of life. and definitely, stop creating it. it'll show up for you at some point, that's just how life is nowadays. but you are better off counting your blessings that trying to make sure that your family is aware of how much you disapprove of choices made before you were even born!!!!

well, that's just my opinion of course. but i tell you what...i'd give anything to have one more MINUTE with my mother. and she was no saint and she could drive my ass crazy!!! oh, the fights we'd have. but i would literally do or give up EVERYTHING and ANYTHING for one more minute with her. how many minutes do you WASTE by being judgemental? waste by not appreciating what you do have? or could have???

i'd do anything to be pissed at my mom for a bad decision she made long before i showed up. man, i'd love that about now. :)
User avatar
meadow
 

Re: Daddy...

Postby brandtrn » 10 Jan 2008, 01:16

I agree that this discovery must be more than a bit unsettling for you...but please try to keep it in perspective. Your sister is, in fact, your sister, even if you do have different fathers. And please, don't be so quick to judge your Mom. Whatever has happened, it's had NOTHING whatsoever to do with you...adults can, and do, make incredibly stupid decisions at times. Undoubtedly, your Mom has paid, many times over, for her poor decisions in more ways than one, and you sitting in judgment upon her is not likely to make the situation any better...

Keep in mind that life is short...sometimes, FAR too short in many cases. As many mistakes as my own mother had made throughout the years she raised me, I'd give ANYTHING just to have a few more minutes with her. Family is, indeed, more important than just about anything, in my book. Appreciate what you have, with all its flaws. If your mother has been loving and attentive to you throughout your life, this really isn't YOUR issue. The problem, if there is (was) any, is between her and your father. Getting in the middle of such things at this late stage of the game isn't likely to do ANYBODY any good.
User avatar
brandtrn
Advanced Degree Poster
Advanced Degree Poster
 
Posts: 1400
Joined: 21 Aug 2007, 02:00
Location: Northern Indiana

Re: Daddy...

Postby Prncssvoid » 10 Jan 2008, 08:18

Everyone makes mistakes and everyone goes on, but one thing I neglected to mention, no matter how hard I've tried I cannot get my mom to have an adult conversation with me for the past two years because of a couple life decisions I made. She immaturely refuses to talk to me even and will hang up on me half the time after she fails to change my life to what she thinks it should be. I don't blame her for her mistake, I don't blame her for never telling my sis...I blame her for playing dad like that. And I have proof that this is not the last time, she was doing these things last year...that's not family knowledge. But in the end it changes nothing. My sis is still my sis and my dad is still dad to both of us. And my mom, she's still mom and I said nothing to her in any way accusatory. So pardon me if I feel like she has no right to judge me like she does and treat me like I'm the worse sinner ever, but I've tried and tried to be her daughter and will continue to love her, even when she doesn't act like a mother to me
User avatar
Prncssvoid
 

Re: Daddy...

Postby pilvikki » 11 Jan 2008, 21:31

oh dear, sounds like a fine mess to me...

there is something askew with your parents relationship, not necessarily with your mother. the fact that a paternity test was even considered tells volumes.

but like i told my ex, who's father was a monster "he's the only one you got, so take it from that angle." so he went and saw his father a few thousand miles away and said "i'm glad i went. i still hate him, but not in the same way."

my parents had a totally dysfunctional relationship and should have divorced, but they never did. they needed each other on some level.

it would be nice if your mother would act like an adult towards you. you don't deserve that kind of treatment.
User avatar
pilvikki
Royal Poobah Penguin
Royal Poobah Penguin
 
Posts: 40729
Joined: 07 Aug 2007, 23:32
Location: france

Re: Daddy...

Postby StVandal » 13 Jan 2008, 12:52

I remember when I found out my brother was from a different father (from a previous marriage). I was pretty young, so I went through a tumult of different feelings on the subject before I finally settled on the fact that he was still just my big, dumb brother. :P
Sorry to hear about your situation. That's a pretty rough one.
User avatar
StVandal
 

Re: Daddy...

Postby imbizze » 13 Jan 2008, 14:11

I can see how this is upsetting for you. I am wondering if, because of your mom's mistakes, she "judges" you and tries to change you, so that YOU don't make big mistakes like she did. I am sure she has some huge regrets. I would bet that she loves you though.

Perhaps she cut your sister's real father out of the picture because he was bad and toxic. Then she would have made the right choice. I would bet your dad always had his suspicions about the paternity of your sister. He has accepted this truth.

Moms aren't perfect. I bet if she grew up and actually talked to you, you would see why she has done the things she has done. Some people just refuse to talk about tough things.

I hope you can find some peace over your mom's choices and mistakes. You only get one mom. I hope you two can come to some sort of understanding.
User avatar
imbizze
 

Re: Daddy...

Postby Prncssvoid » 13 Jan 2008, 17:34

A few days have helped me a lot actually, thanks for the replies and the advice and stuff everyone, always helpful :)

My sis and I are inseparable as before, nothing's changed. I'd be a fool to alienate the one member of my family who doesn't make me wanna jump off a cliff...I left a couple messages on Mom's home phone, never got any call-back or message or anything, so I talked to Sis and got more info about Mom's choice. Not much to say really, at the time Dad was in the air force, never around, after they got engaged mom met this guy, they became friends and more. She decided not to tell dad, mostly out of embarrassment, Dad always suspected. I don't blame her for past mistakes, I just blame those she is making now. She might be my only mother, but I'm her kid too, and she won't even talk to me anymore, for reasons I don't see as justified.
User avatar
Prncssvoid
 

Re: Daddy...

Postby pilvikki » 13 Jan 2008, 20:40

maybe i'm right, maybe i'm wrong, but some people try to feel superior by putting others down. i find that pityful more than anything else.
User avatar
pilvikki
Royal Poobah Penguin
Royal Poobah Penguin
 
Posts: 40729
Joined: 07 Aug 2007, 23:32
Location: france

Re: Daddy...

Postby ladypatg » 14 Jan 2008, 07:47

One of these days your mom will get a wakeup call and realize that she's missed out on part of your life and she can't get that back. When that happens (and trust me - it will) try to be open to her attempts to engage with you again. It may take much longer than you'd like but, it will happen eventually. In the meantime, consider yourself hugged.
User avatar
ladypatg
Brainiac Class Poster
Brainiac Class Poster
 
Posts: 3711
Joined: 07 Aug 2007, 04:18
Location: buffalo, ny, usa


Return to Family Relations

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron