BIG problem

Give and receive advice on friendships, marriage, and romance.

BIG problem

Postby pilvikki » 13 Jan 2015, 18:07


this not about love or romance, but it relates, in a way.

the woman i'm sharing abode with had a b/f she broke off with soon after I moved in. a very large, strong, prone to violence kinda dude.

well, he didn't take kindly to being dumped, so started calling. and calling. and calling. he left messages, he tried bribes, he tried threats, he professed to loving her endlessly, he cursed her. when he got nowhere with her, he started calling her friends and even the cleaning lady, grilling them about where she was and doing what. he'll even start crying when nothing else works.

basically, what your average psycho would do.

she's not often home due to her job and busy social life. yet the damn phone just keeps ringing. I think I counted 9 X, in the time I've been here tonight.

i'm getting a wee bit concerned, for she thinks going to the cops would make him madder. i'd bloody well go, but what do I tell them? I don't know his name, phone number or where he lives. (he blocks the numbers he's calling from).

the door used to be always open, but no more...

:bleh:
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Re: BIG problem

Postby Ice.Maiden » 13 Jan 2015, 19:27

He's stalking, or at the very least causing harassment, but I don't know if there's anything in French law to prevent it. I don't think there was back in 2012, when a friend's wife accused her ex. husband of doing it.

You have to be careful about getting involved. Your friend seems hesitant to report him, but is that because she secretly feels flattered or still fancies him? Some women're in denial, but you can usually tell by how they receive this attention.

If she's frightened of him, then she definitely needs to let someone know that he's pestering. Maybe nothing'd be done, but at least someone in authority'd know, and then if he suddenly turned violent, they'd take her more seriously. That sounds bad. These things should always be taken seriously, but sometimes, "domestics're" overlooked.

If you feel that it's worth acting on your friend's behalf, you could always answer one of his calls and try to distract him with chit-chat. If you do this for long enough and make a note of the date and time, the call could be traced, but unless your friend falls into the "battered wife syndrome", where they lose their confidence, it sounds to me as though she might like the so-called attention.

If it was truly unwanted, I think she'd see to it that the police were alerted, but she's making excuses for him. She might tell you that she doesn't want anything more to do with him, because underneath, she'll know how stupid and weak she'd sound if she admitted to having feelings for a violent man, but unfortunately, it sounds a little like that from where I'm sitting. She's either scared to death of him - or likes him whatever - so rather than listen to her tales of woe, I think as her friend, it'd be best to tell her that you'd rather not know, and that she has to make her mind up one way or the other.

Get his name off her, and ask her where he lives. Make a note of it, and then take yourself out of the equation. If he's the emotional and violent bully that he sounds, you're better off out of it, because in his psycho state, he might decide that you're to blame for turning her against him. : (
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Re: BIG problem

Postby pilvikki » 13 Jan 2015, 19:55


yes, that last bit has crossed my mind.

talking to him doesn't work for me, because he'll immediately hang up if someone else picks up.

and yes, she does like the attention, no doubt about it, although she's done with him otherwise as he's already beaten her up previously, leaves degrading and humiliating messages etc.

it's bloody annoying, really. I've told her to a) ignore him totally. b) block his number c) if he does catch her over the phone or shows up, look bored and uninterested d) at no time raise her voice or start screaming at him.

did she do any of that?

nope.
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Re: BIG problem

Postby Ice.Maiden » 14 Jan 2015, 19:13

Sigh. She's making/made a rod for her own back, but I think she still has issues with liking him when he's in a good mood. Bullies and psychos're good at doing that. They can physically or mentally beat a woman into submission or flight, but once a woman's been in that position (and I know a few women who have), they still feel as though they don't want to get the law involved. It might seem ridiculous to those of us who haven't been through beatings and mental torture, but it's easy for the perpetrator to go the emotional blackmail route and make the woman feel sorry for them - or even enjoy the fact that their man's still "interested" in them. Of course, they aren't really. They like to manipulate and have a power hold over women, but bullies like to keep control, even though they might despise the woman for being "weak".

I knew a guy who miraculously escaped going to court and prison, even though he regularly threatened and hit his girlfriend. She told her friends that she never wanted to see him again, but still responded to his calls and apologies, therefore keeping that contact which she felt unable to break.

She finally left him, but he found her and slapped her around in temper. Fortunately, he'd had enough as well. He found some other poor soul to vent his anger on, but his ex never reported the abuse. It left her very vulnerable and she had no confidence around other men. She even blamed herself for some of the attacks, saying that her ex "had reason to". This wasn't the case at all, but he'd battered her down mentally. It took therapy to make her see what she'd allowed the man to do to her.
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Re: BIG problem

Postby pilvikki » 18 Jan 2015, 09:08


"my problem" is in counselling, so between the 2 of us maybe we'll get her to see the light.

I just find it so unbelievably irritating!

"oh, what am I to do???"

and when you tell her exactly what to do/not to do, she either wholeheartedly agrees, or argues - then just carries on like I hadn't said anything.

you know what, don't ask! don't whine and complain! when you stopped listening to my advice (good or otherwise), it no longer is my problem.

:bleh: :bleh: :bleh:
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Re: BIG problem

Postby Ice.Maiden » 19 Jan 2015, 19:25

You can only be a shoulder hun. No advice in the world's going to make your friend see sense until it happens to hit her in the face - and hopefully it will.

Leopards very rarely change their spots. They might for a while, if it means getting their own way or having control again, but how do you change a person's basic nature? It's not easy. I'd be tempted to listen, but say: "Well you reap what you sow", and explain that you have no more advice to offer if she's not going to take it.

I'm sure that she knows you're right underneath, and probably just needs someone there who'll let her vent, but it's frustrating to see friends take the wrong route isn't it? I guess it boils down to if she won't listen, then you can only be there for her when it all goes wrong, because by now, she'll be "conditioned" to his way of thinking. She may not like him a great deal - but enough to allow his contact to continue, and to be secretly flattered or pleased by his undying attention. : (
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