Limericks - The Completed Version

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Limericks - The Completed Version

Postby Yogi » 29 Jun 2009, 09:10

I was looking through the limerick thread this morning and thought it might be nice to have the completed verses all in one place. Thus, the idea for this post was born. I'll do my best to keep this topic updated as the new compositions become available.


LIMERICKS
~ by the Members of neoBrainformation

I'm so happy it's spring
So I think I will sing
What the mockingbird knows
As she perches on her toes
Is what fun all this will bring.
Tue May 19, 2009


I once started a forum called Brainformation
And out of the ashes came this creation
The members think I'm quite astute
Although it's something I refute
It's become quite a success, in my estimation
Fri May 22, 2009


Google and Twitter, Facebook and MySpace,
It's all a part of my usual pace.
AIM, MSN, Stickam, and Yahoo
They're all a part of what we do
To deal with the insanity in this place.
Mon May 25, 2009


I once met an lady who was busty
And who always was quite lust-y
She excited my fancies
When parading in pant-sies
And everyone knew her as Rusty!!!
Wed May 27, 2009


There once was a man name of Yogi
Who knew his way around a pierogi
He had a huge appetite
But not for marmite
So he ate a big foot-long hot Hoagie.
Fri May 29, 2009
Last edited by Yogi on 17 Jul 2009, 09:52, edited 1 time in total.
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June - 2009

Postby Yogi » 17 Jul 2009, 09:51

A woman took off all of her clothes;
But quickly had to blow her nose,
So she grabbed her shirt,
And she started to flirt,
While striking a provocative pose!
Tue Jun 02, 2009


I once met a woman without a bra.
I could see that she had just one flaw.
The hair on her chest,
A magnificent crest,
Covered both of her ta-tas
Sun Jun 07, 2009


One day I met an Angel,
Who said she had things to arrange-el. ( lol)
Someone needed to be blest
One that stood out among the rest,
Was married, but wished to be single.
Sat Jun 13, 2009


One day I was passing through Dallas,
And met a young lady named Alice,
She wore a pink hat,
She wanted a pat,
So I took a big dose of Cialis!
Wed Jun 17, 2009


Oh how I hate to be sick,
Can't enjoy a good joke or a trick,
I wish I had and antibiotic,
Or I'll go like Titanic,
And won't that be quite a pique!
Mon Jun 29, 2009
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July - 2009

Postby Yogi » 17 Jul 2009, 09:52

Summer is finally here,
Which gives me something to cheer.
The rain and cold are gone,
And the green has returned to the lawn,
It's the 'hottest' time of the year!
Thu Jul 16, 2009
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August - 2009

Postby Yogi » 05 Sep 2009, 07:49

we're all having a blast,
though I'm sure it won't last,
The summer is wilting...
autumns head soon tilting...
And sure enough, today it's overcast. :rain:
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September 2009

Postby Yogi » 14 Oct 2009, 12:57

All is fair play
In a naughty kind of way
Let your thoughts wander free
until your heart finds me
I promise you'll beg me to stay


There was an Old Man on a hill
who all the folks called bill
He had a small brother
who was made out of rubber
which gave them all a thrill


As she got into bed
she realized she wasn't fed
down to the kitchen she went
finally down she was spent
and that was all that was said


far into the dark, old forest
lived an eccentric old florist
and as a deer came to say hi
she started to shake and cry
though the deer only thought she was modest


A wrinkly old woman called Mabel
got her fingers caught in a cradle
cursing and finger in mouth
She jumped about and shout
then she hid right under the table


breakfast freshly consumed
the last diner felt quite doomed
but now my stomach grumbles
and out of the romm he tumbles.
he plops down on the bathroom floor


Why is my mother in law here
as she is someone to fear
she runs a tight ship
and gives such lip.
nothing i do is ever right
her bark is worse than her bite


So now it's Friday night
Love's shining bright
a whole 48 hours together
in all kinds of weather
I see cuddling in sight!


So now it's Friday night
Love's shining bright
a whole 48 hours together
in all kinds of weather
who''start the first fight
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October 2009

Postby Yogi » 26 Jan 2010, 13:12

CANT WAIT TIL MY BIG HOLIDAY
THE EXCITEMENT WONT STAY AT BAY
I REALLY WANT TO SCREAM AND SHOUT
so all can hear from north to south
at the wise words that i will say

Starting a new little rhyme
i hope I have enough time
so much to say and to do
but a small sentence will do
so also others may also rhyme

The weekend is about to begin
i.m going to celebrate it in sin
With a trunk full of coke
making me stoney broke
all fit for a king

My world is like a bowling ball
Though rolling; I'd never fall
touring all round the place
escaping the call of the rat race
until I received that final call.

my bags are packed an i'm ready to go
my bags so heavy i;ll ned it to get a tow
I'm off to explore,sun bathe and shop
love to talk but no time to stop
bye to you whether you're friend or foe

I knew I wasn't mistaken
I could smell the egg and the bacon
only now i am on a fast
as the smell drifts past
and all food is forsaken

india i am on my way
not long til the departure day
soon I'll be lying on a hot sandy beach
let's see what kind of color I can reach
i'm so jealous yee all will say

Twitter about
of that there is no doubt
flapping right here
as i live in fear
of receiving a terrible clout

dear oh dear, I've run out of tea
dear oh dear how could I not see
then again i am going blind
so most things are hard to find
why cant tea be given free

Things on my mind I can't sleep,
darn i am sick of counting sheep
The night is dark,the night is long
I wonder if it can be shortened with a song?
before I end up in a heap

Don't be afraid to follow your heart
follow it closely and never depart
'Cause if you do
what will happen to you
I know you won't feel that smart

It's nearly here, it's nearly time
Ghosts appear, if given thyme
Wailing, screeching rattling chains
Screaming, crying, flying urchins
all included in this rhyme
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November 2009

Postby Yogi » 26 Jan 2010, 13:16

the sun shines inside my soul
without hammer, pick or maul
along comes the winter chill
Oh, I think this will be a thrill
as i score the winning goal

my tongue sticking out
as i let ot a shout
My hair falls wild
men i have foiled
Twas maybe the pout.

What a weary time of year,
Said Santa, on his bed.
wondering what adult toys to make
or even which good cakes to bake
his mischievous thoughts evoke fear
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December 2009

Postby Yogi » 26 Jan 2010, 13:21

There once was a man called McCafferty,
He was not a man of poverty.
He would dine out each night,
but always get into a fight,
And spray-paint the walls with his graffiti!

There was an old lady from Crew,
Several died from her stew.
She would lace it with poison
from lead fom old toys, an' (phew!!!)
The tops of their head went "ker-plew!"

The kitchen smell sweet
of potatoes and beet.
And the dog farted,
Before dinner was 'ere started...
now we must toss even the wheet

By the side of a country road,
Sat a small, bluish toad.
He said "Have you seen Ratty?"..
he is a great big fatty.
Too large to get in my abode!

By the side of a country road,
Sat a small, bluish toad.
He said "Have you seen Ratty?"..
he is a great big fatty.
Too large to get in my abode!

The weather was nice in Australia
About once every millennia
They get out their boats,
Have at least fifty toasts,
and now they all need an enema

small flies flies away
To go to sleep and end the day
big flies flies out high
And heaves a heavy sigh
as they don´t have a say

Christmas is coming the snowman said
lets all dress up in red
Be jolly with presents,
to all country peasants
And make sure they all get fed.

jack frost is out at last
I hope he doesn't work too fast
or we'll fall on his carpet of ice
we'll feel no bigger than mice
And sit there looking aghast!
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January 2010

Postby Yogi » 12 May 2011, 13:15

A man had a job as a plumber,
but he lost it come the summer
He had lost his wrench
and he could smell a stench
but without is wrench all he could say was bummer

the snow is melting away
and the snowdrops are coming our way,
don't you wonder where the white goes?
as it freezes our fingers and toes
so roll on the summer, wey hey!

A teacher he ran out of chalk,
but this teacher did not balk,
he began scratching his head
Wondering to himself if he was dead
but knowing he had the eyes of a halk

There was a wee man from Spain
He allways laughed at others' pain
He grinned and said: Si!
They won't look at me.
No need to - he pleaded insane.

There once was a boil on my head.
I though I fell out of bed
But the boil was a pimple
and I felt so simple
So I popped it and stopped it instead!

A man had a rather big kneecap!!!
he was a very weird chap
He hobbled and grunted,
as he knew he was hunted
But tonight he got all the ghosts as he could 'ave!

A man had a rather big kneecap!!!
he was a very weird chap
He hobbled and grunted,
as he knew he was hunted
They shot him - and now he's a wee chap.

A man with false teeth went a-boating
while his family were all gloating
He said: "I suck-seed!"
if I do the dirty deed
So he sucked, but his teeth went a-floating!

Oh dear!!! Wouldn't "undo it" have rhymed better??? No matter......
A cork it got stuck in a bottle,
as the woman went full throttle
She tried to unscrew it
with her left tit
Which ended up coloured like wattle.

A trumpet it lay on the table,
To blow it no body was able,
but a man came along
Started to give us a song,
So the trumpet got hung on a cable.

There once was a chimp called McGoo
He didn't want to use the loo
So for his comfort in life
And to avoid any strife
Went in the woods for Number two!

There once was a wee woman from Kerry,
She drank just to keep herself merry,
But nothing she did
Made her pop her lid
She was happy with her sherry
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February 2010

Postby Yogi » 12 May 2011, 13:20

There once came a man from Hanover,
as his flying days were over,
So he decided to take to the sea,
but there there was not toilet in which to pee,
So it was a case of a bucket & throw over.

A famous composer call Beethoven
lived with witches in a coven,
He composed them a tune,
To sing songs of June
As they cooked up some spells in the oven.

Our girl Silke, she is a Norwegian,
and can sometimes cause lots of confusion
Tho very good at speaking the English,
She shunned being a linguist
But tries with such sweat & profusion.

Ice Maiden was into wearing leather
which she wore in all sorts of weather
With boots belts and studs,
Guzzling bottles of Buds,
She got pi**ed and fell into some heather!

Toula left plenty of skid marks,
Customs man said, "What a lark!"
Said she, "Take those britches.."
if not you will have me in stitches
and don't you try hiding behind masks!

Pinky looked pretty in ringlets & curls,
With necklace and bracelet and pretty pink pearls.
On stage Irish Dancing her Sevens, Jigs and Reels,
The girl started prancing and kicking her heels,
Everyone thought her legs looked to funny for a girls!

The lovely Pasta was having trouble with Spell- Checking,
so around the world she went trekking,
She's gone looking for more words,
as she may find some unique birds
So her peeking it soon became pecking.

Yogi is the cover of admin,
Ensuring no post is a sin,
helpful and charming in a league of his own
While reading this ode I had to groan
Nevertheless, He got it bunged In.

There was a wee man in Tenerife
boy did many give him grief
But He was more than quite able,
to put down any cable
Ensuring each job would be brief.

There was a wee woman from Spain,
she was more than a little pain,
She moaned all the day,
as the sun shone she made hay,
& at night complained of her varicose vein.

There was a wee man from France,
boy did he like to dance,
He'd jig, and would reel,
but could not cook a meal,
Couldn't even iron his own pants!

A woman who cleaned for the Vicar,
Became a cranky nit picker,
For as much as she would dust,
she was not one you could trust,
Do it bad, then he would just nick her.
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March 2010

Postby Yogi » 12 May 2011, 13:24

There came a wee man from Greece,
who sheared sheep for their fleece,
In the fields all the day,
what he did I couldnt say,
All I know is he wanted some peace!

There was a wee woman for the Ukraine,
boy was she such a pain,
She went on holiday to France,
hoping she could learn to dance,
Doing the Flamenco she learned she was in Spain.

There was a wee cranky old fogey,
But at golf could always hit a bogey,
he smelled of icquer and fags,
Wore horrible aul Oxford Bags
people only came close when it was windey

Rabbits and Hares,
Got caught in the snares,
while out frollicing in the meadow
The leverets ran, at the sight of a man..
and swish, they were under some chairs

There was a wee woman who was methodical,
thinking everything she'd do should be logical,
but along came her neighbour
Whilst trying to save Her,
he tried to make her abit whimsical

There was a wee woman who went to Heaven,
but she herself wasn't really driven,
She got there in haste,
said it was a waste,
So went back to Her home in Dungiven.

In the forest of evergreen,
A lovelier site you have never seen
of the wonderful princess pinky,
Whose feet were ever so dinky,
Ran bare over evenin´

As nobody else wants to go.
T'was Silke's turn anyway so,
she started again as she did before,
She's supposed to, I tell her once more,
and gave her an expresso

St Patrick's Day it did come round,
with a pot of gold to be found.
right under a sitting duck,
When you washed away all the muck,
there would only be a pound

An ugly wee man named Percy,
had a wee ugly girl named Marcy,
He'd wanted a son,
so he and the lady got on,
Hoping she'd show him some mercy.
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April 2010

Postby Yogi » 12 May 2011, 13:27

i once knew a woman called no mercy
she had a dog she called alfie
he was the love of her life
and try as men might
every night
it was alfie
who shared her duvet

the Easter bunny will soon be here,
It's come round to that time of year,
Lights play across the sky,
Everyone waiting for rabbit pie,
once tasted one doesn't say "merde"!

once upon a time over in the reef,
a man caused others a lot of grief
He thought he was funny,
but those laughing wasn't many,
His comings and goings alas were too brief.

In the sky no airplanes will fly,
they say the islanders are sly.
All talk is about something called ASH?
I wonder where they had the stash?
Ah! Found it! Baked in one of Pilvikki's pies!

Gasping here, I'm out of air,
Dust is flying everywhere.
It's got in my top, it's now in my pants,
It itches as if I was covered with ants,
what you get isnt always what you wants.

The thing you hear might be true,
and if it is then you know what to do,
men always lift the toilet seat ,
so ram it down and see them sweat,
then come back to bed theres a pet
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May 2010

Postby Yogi » 12 May 2011, 13:30

Some people don't know how to write Limericks,
their words rhyme just as much as sticks,
It's really not that very hard to compose,
Unfortunately some cannot make a pose,
So, Who's to blame when some are so thick?
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July 2011

Postby Yogi » 12 Jan 2012, 09:43

Limericks come, and limericks go,
in this forum they grow and grow,
And like the flow of time,
so this memory of mine,
It shall go with the flow.

Every one of the super-brainiacs
works hard like demented maniacs.
While they toil and suffer,
it's increasingly tougher,
to go all out to max.
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August 2011

Postby Yogi » 12 Jan 2012, 09:44

And I apologise for both my grammatical errors,
even though people wouldn't notice if they were treamors!
My intentions were good,
so please, if you would,
Don't shoot the messenger with arrows.
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September 2011

Postby Yogi » 12 Jan 2012, 09:45

The blue little sea is in up-roar,
Just a storm in a stirred teacup, or
perhaps this little thing
will very soon bring
out the best of the moor

The night was clear, and the moon was yellow,
The food was hot, and the loving mellow,
I turned to my love,
said, "hey, little dove,"
"Doncha think I'm a sexy fellow?"
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October 2011

Postby Yogi » 12 Jan 2012, 09:46

The tellie is not working,
and I sat there just lurking
My 2 square eyes
wanted the recipe of pies
that Jamie Oliver was cooking.
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November 2011

Postby Yogi » 12 Jan 2012, 09:47

I read a limerick from Wonderbunny,
and I'm thinking "oh! how funny!"
But only she knows
how the next line goes
and whoever guesses will get money!

Silke the limerick expert
does not like the dirt.
She will work, and she will toil
but never as a foil,
because that way would really hurt.
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December 2011

Postby Yogi » 12 Jan 2012, 09:47

I once met a man named Yogi
He's not such a boring old fogy
His eyes sparkled and shone!
Each time they lit upon
Some nubile young lady walking her doggy.

Holidays, Christmas days or Yule,
The children have finished school.
All happy little smiles,
Across continents and isles,
Everywhere celebration is the rule.
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January 2012

Postby Yogi » 11 Sep 2012, 07:39

If only my mother was realistic,
But, she is always going ballistic.
She expects me to stay
a kid even tough I say
I shall drink till I'm paralytic.

I once met a lad from Worcestershire
Who'd recently strayed into Gloucestershire.
He was rightly amazed,
as the gun got him tazed,
and said "That's a little hostile, Sir!"

It must be my turn now to start one,
though I'm not sure if it's a fine one,
That remains to be seen
And from what I can glean
It takes more than goodwill for a smart one.

I woke up today feeling quite dandy
And opened a box full of candy.
And, to my surprise,
Despite its small size,
It went well with a glass of Chianti.
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